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Understanding Toxic Shame
Do you ever have the following thoughts
over and over: "I am defective", "I am stupid", "I am unlovable" and " I am
bad"? These are typical thoughts of shamed-prone people. People who
experience unhealthy or toxic shame believe they are inherently flawed and
defective as human beings; and see themselves as being bad and unlovable. As
a result, shamed-based people tend to believe others see themselves as being
unworthy. Thus, a person who experiences toxic shame feels a deep inner
disgust and repulsiveness at the core of his/her being.
How does a person develop toxic shame?
Shamed-based people typically grow up in shamed-based families where they
experience chronic emotional and/or physical abuse. The child receiving
emotional abuse receives one or more deficiency messages from the shaming
parents, such as:
- "You are no good" which tells the child she is
bad.
- "You are not good enough" which tells the
child she would be acceptable if she would do a little more; however, no
matter what the child does, she never receives parental approval.
- "You don't belong" which tells the child that
she is not a member of the family because she is different in some
unacceptable way.
- "You are not lovable" which tells the child
that she is not worthy of being loved and grows up believing no one could
ever love her.
- "You should not exist" which tells the child
that she is nothing and not worthy of living, and grows up experiencing an
inner sense of emptiness.
As a result of these shaming messages, a shame-based
person internalizes a negative core belief which states, "I am bad regardless
what I do, even if what I do appears good." The shamed-based person develops a
"psychological filter" that allows in only shaming experiences, and rejects
any positive messages that affirms the person.
Consequently, the shamed-base person reacts to the inner
felt defectiveness in a number of dysfunctional ways, such as:
-
Paralysis in which the
individual is unable to start or complete a project.
- Escapism in which the individual wants to
withdraw from others.
- Perfectionism in which the individual believes
she will be acceptable only if she never makes a mistake.
- Criticism in which the individual becomes highly
critical of herself and others.
What can you do to recover from toxic shame and learn to
give yourself unconditional love and acceptance? The following are three
recommendations:
- Begin to accept and experience all of your feelings,
such as anger, sadness, and fear.
- Learn to challenge your shaming deficiency messages by
substituting new self-affirming, non-shaming messages.
- Get individual or group counseling where you can begin
to talk about your emotional and physical abuses which can lead to a feeling
of acceptance and reduce your sense of isolation.
Reference: Uncovering
Shame by Drs. Harper and Hoopes.
Reference:
Letting Go of Shame by Patricia Potter.
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