Saying "No" Without Guilt

One of the common problems of living is the experience of wanting to say "no" to a request and not being able to do so because of feeling guilty. Your ability to say "no" is related to your ability to be assertive. Assertive behavior is the foundation for learning how to say "no" without feeling guilty.

Assertive behavior means that you are able to express your wants, ideas, and feelings in interpersonal situations without feeling guilty. It is related to your emotional freedom to express your thoughts and feelings directly to others, and, at the same time, you are able to show respect for the rights of others.

However, may people confuse being assertive without being aggressive. Aggressive behavior involves expressing your wants, thoughts, and feelings without showing any respect for others. This behavior minimizes the worth of other people and violates their rights.

The opposite of assertive behavior is non-assertive or passive interactions with people. Non-assertive individuals don't express directly their ideas, wants, or feelings. As a result, they rarely get what they want from life. Of course, they typically would have problems in saying "no" to others.

Being able to say "no" to unwanted requests is connected to certain beliefs that you hold. In other words, it is based upon the knowledge of your legitimate rights as a human being.

Some of these basic rights are:

1. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes;

2. You have the right to your feelings; and

3. YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY "NO".

The major excuse many people give for not being able to say "no" is, "I don't want to hurt the other person's feelings." When you do this, you are acting responsible for the other person's feelings and focusing more on their feelings than your own. Therefore, in order to say "no" you have to realize that you are not responsible for the other person's feelings and that it is alright to focus on what you want to do and not what the other wants. Further, you can say "no" without infringing on the rights of others while at the same time protecting your own rights and self-respect. Just remember: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY "NO".

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