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Good Grief!
You may think it odd that the adjective "good"
has been applied to the emotionally painful experience of grief. Since grief
is related to the pain of loss, how can it in any way be labeled "good"?
The purpose of this article is to help you to understand that
the experience of grief is good and healthy. It is a normal and natural
healing process related to any painful loss.
Grief can be defined as a total painful emotional and physical
response to any significant loss in your life.
Thus, grief occurs whenever you experience
any loss, and especially the significant losses listed below:
- a loved one thru death or divorce
- a parent
- a physical or mental ability
- a job
- a home
- a pet
An individual will experience
a range of emotional and physical reactions to loss, such as sadness, hurt,
anger, anxiety, fear, guilt, loneliness, depression, appetite change, and insomnia.
What is critical of the grief healing process is your ability to accept the
flow of your grief feelings. However, by denying the grief feelings you interfere
with the natural healing process, and, as a result, cannot heal from the loss.
By going with the flow of your grief feelings, you begin to experience the
healing process over time.
Kate Slagle says, "The flow of feelings is life...flowing with our feelings makes
us alive, whole, connected, real human beings."
Dr. Charles Whitfield offers the following rules for
healthy grieving:
Rules for Healthy Grieving
- Accept your grief as being healthy.
- Feel all of your grief feelings.
- Let yourself experience the pain of loss.
- Don't try to replace loss immediately.
- Talk with safe people about my feelings around the loss.
- Don't change the subject if pain and grief come up.
- Take good care of yourself -nutrition, rest, exercise.
- Involve myself in work and play activities.
- Take as much time as I need to grieve.
Reference: A
Gift to Myself by Dr. Charles Whitfield.
Rules for Unhealthy Grieving
- Don't feel. Unhealthy
grieving people don't talk about their feelings.
- Immediate replacement. Relieving the pain by immediately
replacing the loss with any person, place, or thing, to avoid
emptiness or pain.
- Time will heal the loss. I should be over my
loss in a short amount of time. People have unrealistic expectations about
the time it takes to heal.
- Don't talk about the loss. It makes others
uncomfortable.
- Change the subject. If pain and grief come up,
talk about something else.
- Grieve alone. There's no reason to reach out
to others for support.
Reference: A
Gift to Myself by Dr. Charles Whitfield.
Importance of Sharing Your Grief
In conclusion,
Slagle emphasizes the importance of sharing your grief feelings.
She says, "Showing our grief is part of healing. Concealing grief
interferes with its expression. In hiding our feelings away, we hide ourselves.
To hide our emotions is to discount them. Our emotions are us; when we discount
them, we discount ourselves... Open expression of our feelings is vital."
Reference: Live With Loss by Kate
Slagle.
FOUR TASKS OF GRIEF
Dr. J. William Worden in his book called: GRIEF COUNSELING & GRIEF THERAPY describes four basic tasks of the grief process that must be accomplished if a person is going to have a healthy recovery from the death of a loved one.
Task 1: To Accept the Reality of the Loss
The first task of grief is to acknowledge the fact that the loved one is dead, where you believe your loss is a definite reality. In brief, you have no denial of the death in which you accept the full meaning of the loss.
Task 2: To Accept the Emotional Pain of Grief
To fully accept the loss of your loved one, you must accept the painful feelings of sorrow that are associated with the loss. It is necessary to experience your feelings of grief so as to be able to emotionally heal from your loss. If you try avoiding your grief feelings, you end up in prolonging your grief and making your recovery more difficult.
Task 3: To Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing
As a survivor you must learn to adapt to a new reality without your loved one. You will have to develop new coping skills as well as abilities and strengths that will help you to adjust to the demands of life after the loss of your deceased partner. You begin to take responsibility for yourself as a single person.
Task 4: To Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move on With Life
The task here is for the survivor to find an appropriate inner emotional place for the deceased, while at the same time emotionally reinvesting in life again, with the possibility of finding a new partner. In brief, you are learning to direct your energy in new interests, new places, and new relationships.
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