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Celebrate Your Emotional Independence
Healthy people tend to experience a strong sense of
emotional independence and security. They don’t worry excessively about
the approval of others because they tend to have high self-esteem. They
would fit into
Dr. Nathaniel Branden’s definition of self-esteem,
which has two parts:
1. Self-Efficacy - which is your ability to think, to
learn, to choose, and to make appropriate decisions for yourself; and
2. Self-Respect - which is confidence in your right to
be happy and confident that your achievement, success, friendship, and love
is appropriate for yourself.
Consequently, based upon this definition, healthy
people are able to celebrate their emotional independence by being to able
to face their fears, doubts, and to minimize their concerns over approval
from others.
On the other hand, do you experience an excessive fear
of disapproval and self-doubt, leading to a high need for approval from
others? Those of you with this problem could be
called "approval addicts."
The fear of disapproval is based upon the irrational attitude that, "I
need everybody's approval to be worthwhile." A related attitude is the
irrational belief that, "it is an absolute necessity for an adult to have
love and approval from family, friends and peers." People with an excessive
need for approval tend to measure their self-esteem based upon how people react
to them and what they think of them.
People with healthy self-esteem have a
sense of inner security, which allows them to have a low need for approval from
others even though they experience disapproval and criticism.
On the other hand,
people with low self-esteem lack a sense of inner security, and as a result,
have a high need for outward approval from others. Their sense of worth goes up
or down depending upon whether or not their been approved of by others.
Consequently, the person with a high need for approval tends to live in a
constant state of depression and anxiety.
Dr. David Burns in his book, Feeling
Good, states that at the root of
approval addiction is the irrational belief that your worth is determined by
others. Approval addicts believe
that other people really do have the right to judge what you do and your worth
as a human being. Approval addicts never question the validity of their beliefs.
Burns states, "You must 'buy into' the other person's disapproval and
believe that you are in fact no good in order to feel bad about yourself."
Burns emphasizes that your own thoughts and beliefs determine your mood, and not
the disapproval situation.
He says, "Another person's disapproval has no
ability to depress you unless you believe what he or she says is valid."
Ultimately, your own inner beliefs about yourself determine your sense of worth
and your moods.
The people with a high need for approval tend to use two kinds of thought
distortions to interpret reality dealing with other people:
1. Mind reading.
This is where you automatically assume you know what someone is thinking about
you. You make assumptions about how people are reacting to you and really
believe these automatic assumptions are true. Approval addicts assume others are
thinking negatively of them.
2. Personalization.
This is the tendency to see
everything around you as being connected and related to your self-worth. The
basic assumption of personalization is the tendency to interpret each experience
with another person as a measure of your self-worth. For example, if you see
someone frowning at you, you automatically assume he or she doesn't like you.
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